Taking risks.

This past August I turned 25. Around this time I had a mini crisis in my head. I realized that not only am I no where near where I wanted to be at this age, but that I'm not even sure where I wanted to be even is. I never really had set goals that I wanted to accomplish. I didn't plan to have any certain degree or job, or have started a family, so I couldn't even pinpoint where the feeling of failure was coming from. How could I fail at something I had never told myself to accomplish?

So I sat down and made a list. 30 things to do before I'm 30. Giving myself a reasonable 5 years to at least attempt to accomplish them. Some of them are small things, like learning a language or a hobby; Some of them involve getting into a healthier frame of mind, and keeping myself there; Some of them are vague, while others are specific; and some of them are beyond my foreseeable financial ability, but have made the list just as a reminder of what I'd some day like to accomplish. For a while I forgot about this list, and filed it away in a notebook somewhere, which probably would have been lost for the next few years, if I hadn't stumbled upon it by accident. So I pulled my list out, the list that seems so daunting at times, and read it over again. With that, I realized that the only thing keeping me from achieving most of these things, is myself and the fear of failing.

So along with my list of specific goals, I'm giving myself one giant goal to start achieving now::
Take more risks.
Fear can stop you from doing anything and everything if you let it, and I have. For years I've let fear and anxiety stop me from doing things. I've let my fears keep me stagnant, only growing and changing in ways that I knew were safe, in ways that I couldn't fail, only doing things that allowed me to stay in my comfort zone, on a path that I could see clearly. Over time, my anxiety has worsened, because I've rarely pushed myself past it. I've let it stop me from becoming somebody who takes chances, someone who can willingly make a leap of faith.

So starting now, my plan is to start trying new things. Stepping out of my comfort zone, and allowing myself new experiences, even if they seem small. Saying yes to things that my anxiety would have prevented before. Taking risks and putting trust in my instincts and emotions, without always second guessing them. I want to stop over-analyzing and over-thinking every decision I make and every step I take, and just allow myself to go where life leads me. Because I'll never end up where I want to be, if I'm to afraid to get there.

Paralyzing Fear

I don't know how to be alone. 

For the last 6 years I have been in a serious relationship with another person. Most everything I've done, I've done with him. I've relied on him to help me, to take care of me, to keep me company, and I've built who I am around that relationship. 

I've used a lot of words to describe myself, some of which I believe, and some of which are just hopes, but yesterday, for the first time in 6 years, I used the word "single". I've been single before, it's not a completely foreign concept, but for the first time in a long time, I feel alone, and that feeling has left me with paralyzing fear. 

I have somehow managed to surround myself with people that care about me and support me, including the man that I've been with for so long (we're no where near being on bad terms with each other), but I'm now realizing that I'm completely alone in the journey ahead. I am alone in figuring out the person that I am, and working towards who I need to become. No one can do this for me or guide me in the right direction. Although I can lean on others for comfort, I must learn to truly rely on myself, to take care of myself, and to be independent of others. I must solve my problems alone, and learn to deal with the issues that have plagued me for years. 

I don't know how to be alone, and I don't know how to be myself. For as long as I can remember, I've molded myself around others, and to fit certain relationships without even realizing it. Although I have been 'single' in the past, there has always been someone there to show me who to be. I've jumped from one person to the next, never committing, but using them as crutches so I didn't have to know myself. 

So now I am faced with a dilemma:: I have to learn to be alone. I have to learn who I am. I have to stop putting all of my efforts towards relationships with others, while avoiding ever really having a relationship with myself. I have to face the paralyzing fear of the unknown, the crippling panic attacks that leave me gasping for air, at the mere thought of not having that person to fall back on. Of not having a safety net to catch me when I trip. I have to stop looking for someone to make me feel like I am good enough, and start becoming someone who is good enough on her own merit. And although every fiber of my being tells me to run fast and run far, I must stay. I must fight for myself, and I must mend the things that need mending. 

And for those who are close to me, I must apologize in advance:: I will slip up.  I will be weak, when I need to be strong; I will cry at random moments in my day; I will need to lean on you time and again; and I will show anger to cover the fear. But I ask that you don't give up on me, I will be worth it in the end. 

 

Never going to be Mommy.

So I'm sitting here surfing the internet, when a conversation I had with my mother this afternoon pops into my head. Who knows how it started, but it ended with "When you have kids one day...". Now, I don't plan on ever having children. I've made this very clear to my mother (who I'm sure would just like a grandchild that didn't have fur), and most anyone who really wants to know, (And some people who don't.) But once in a while I get that one person, with one of the many comments that send my mind reeling. "When you have kids one day..." or "When it's your own kid..." or my absolute favorite "You'll change your mind when you're older". Any one of these comments sends me into a silent rage.

I have many friends who have children, and I don't mind them (most of the time), but there has never been any part of me that has desired creating and caring for one of my own. While most girls were playing with dolls, I found them extremely creepy. I spent my childhood playing house with stuffed dogs, which may or may not be slightly sad. I have never once looked at a baby and felt my uterus scream with longing, and when people try to hand me theirs, I usually shy away for fear of somehow permanently damaging this thing in the short 5 minutes it will be in my care.

I have many reasons for my desire to not reproduce, that go far beyond the fact that the sound of children makes me shudder, and that they always seem to find something sticky to put various body parts in, but I don't feel that I should be expected to explain them to the hoards of women that look at me with shock when I tell them that in fact, I do not want to raise a family.

My newsflash to them is this::
Not everyone is meant to have children.
With a planet that is already beyond overpopulated, there is no doubt in my mind that not every person is meant to reproduce. And those of us who choose not to are tired of being made to look like bad people for this fact. As though my life choices are based solely on selfish reasoning, that will "change when I get older".

So my point is this, if you'd like me to keep from criticizing you and your child bearing ways, please keep from criticizing my lack thereof. My life is no less fulfilling than yours because it isn't filled with children, it's just different, and that is a difference that I thoroughly enjoy.

This is the only baby I need:::

The next chapter

Sometimes it takes everything falling apart, to realize what you need to build.

As of lately, it has occurred to me that I've spent the majority of my life disliking myself. Self destruction and sabotage have been a second nature, both consciously and subconsciously. I've spent years using others to determine my own self worth, and allowing them to validate my feelings towards myself. When I was younger I slept around, claiming it was all in good fun, and exploring my sexuality, while searching for a connection with anyone. I allowed myself to feel validated and gain a kind of confidence from these men who were interested in me, while sometimes never having feelings towards them at all. I spent years in various relationships with people, begging to be loved and cared for, fighting to keep them, even when I should have let go, wondering why I was always the one fighting for someone else, and never feeling them fight for me. I've often wondered why I couldn't have the one thing I so desperately craved, why everything I entered into was so difficult, and only now do I realize that I've only ever allowed myself to have what I thought I deserved. I've only felt value in myself, when someone else has valued me. And yet in my quest to find various kinds of love, I've rarely opened up to others. I've rarely shown them who I am, and let them into my heart, even those I've loved the most. 

So everything falls down. Every relationship will crumble, when built on an improper foundation. 

So now I must begin a new chapter in my life, starting with the most important rule of all:: 

I will love myself. 

You cannot truly love another if you don't love yourself. 

I will never again beg to be loved. I will never beg for honesty. I will never beg for value and validation. I will never beg someone to show me the things that I deserve. I will never beg to be fought for. I will never allow myself to settle for less than I am worth, because I now realize, I am worth a lot. I will never again fight to be in the life of someone who doesn't want me, I am better than this. I will not hide behind a wall of self confidence earned from others, but rather build it based solely on myself. I will not rely on others to determine my worth, I will decide it for myself. 

I realize now that I deserve all of these things, and so do you.