The next chapter

Sometimes it takes everything falling apart, to realize what you need to build.

As of lately, it has occurred to me that I've spent the majority of my life disliking myself. Self destruction and sabotage have been a second nature, both consciously and subconsciously. I've spent years using others to determine my own self worth, and allowing them to validate my feelings towards myself. When I was younger I slept around, claiming it was all in good fun, and exploring my sexuality, while searching for a connection with anyone. I allowed myself to feel validated and gain a kind of confidence from these men who were interested in me, while sometimes never having feelings towards them at all. I spent years in various relationships with people, begging to be loved and cared for, fighting to keep them, even when I should have let go, wondering why I was always the one fighting for someone else, and never feeling them fight for me. I've often wondered why I couldn't have the one thing I so desperately craved, why everything I entered into was so difficult, and only now do I realize that I've only ever allowed myself to have what I thought I deserved. I've only felt value in myself, when someone else has valued me. And yet in my quest to find various kinds of love, I've rarely opened up to others. I've rarely shown them who I am, and let them into my heart, even those I've loved the most. 

So everything falls down. Every relationship will crumble, when built on an improper foundation. 

So now I must begin a new chapter in my life, starting with the most important rule of all:: 

I will love myself. 

You cannot truly love another if you don't love yourself. 

I will never again beg to be loved. I will never beg for honesty. I will never beg for value and validation. I will never beg someone to show me the things that I deserve. I will never beg to be fought for. I will never allow myself to settle for less than I am worth, because I now realize, I am worth a lot. I will never again fight to be in the life of someone who doesn't want me, I am better than this. I will not hide behind a wall of self confidence earned from others, but rather build it based solely on myself. I will not rely on others to determine my worth, I will decide it for myself. 

I realize now that I deserve all of these things, and so do you.