Paralyzing Fear

I don't know how to be alone. 

For the last 6 years I have been in a serious relationship with another person. Most everything I've done, I've done with him. I've relied on him to help me, to take care of me, to keep me company, and I've built who I am around that relationship. 

I've used a lot of words to describe myself, some of which I believe, and some of which are just hopes, but yesterday, for the first time in 6 years, I used the word "single". I've been single before, it's not a completely foreign concept, but for the first time in a long time, I feel alone, and that feeling has left me with paralyzing fear. 

I have somehow managed to surround myself with people that care about me and support me, including the man that I've been with for so long (we're no where near being on bad terms with each other), but I'm now realizing that I'm completely alone in the journey ahead. I am alone in figuring out the person that I am, and working towards who I need to become. No one can do this for me or guide me in the right direction. Although I can lean on others for comfort, I must learn to truly rely on myself, to take care of myself, and to be independent of others. I must solve my problems alone, and learn to deal with the issues that have plagued me for years. 

I don't know how to be alone, and I don't know how to be myself. For as long as I can remember, I've molded myself around others, and to fit certain relationships without even realizing it. Although I have been 'single' in the past, there has always been someone there to show me who to be. I've jumped from one person to the next, never committing, but using them as crutches so I didn't have to know myself. 

So now I am faced with a dilemma:: I have to learn to be alone. I have to learn who I am. I have to stop putting all of my efforts towards relationships with others, while avoiding ever really having a relationship with myself. I have to face the paralyzing fear of the unknown, the crippling panic attacks that leave me gasping for air, at the mere thought of not having that person to fall back on. Of not having a safety net to catch me when I trip. I have to stop looking for someone to make me feel like I am good enough, and start becoming someone who is good enough on her own merit. And although every fiber of my being tells me to run fast and run far, I must stay. I must fight for myself, and I must mend the things that need mending. 

And for those who are close to me, I must apologize in advance:: I will slip up.  I will be weak, when I need to be strong; I will cry at random moments in my day; I will need to lean on you time and again; and I will show anger to cover the fear. But I ask that you don't give up on me, I will be worth it in the end.